Dad had a birthday today. “I never thought I’d live to 82,” he said.
“Dad,” I told him, “You’re 85.”
“Oh! So I am!” he said.
We took him for a hamburger. In a couple of weeks there’s some live music we’ll take him to. It’s a stretched-out birthday.
Visits are quiet. After two strokes, Dad doesn’t hold forth like he used to in conversation. He used to have a very long silence-filling “ahhhhhhh.” He used it if he was searching for a word, so that no one could interrupt until he found it. Now if I ask him the right questions, he’ll answer. Then I need to think of another question, and another. Some do not merit answers. Often, it just feels like me prattling. Sometimes I read or sing to him. I’m not sure whether he likes it or not. But when I take him back to the nursing home, kiss the top of his head and tell him I’ll be back next week, he always seems glad I’ve come.
I read this article on Dementia Friends, a movement started in England, and I’m still crying. The tears caught me by surprise.
“When we first started going to the BB we would have to stand and wait until a seat came open. That didn’t last for long. Over time, Dotty’s dementia friends started saving her a seat. As we approached the bar area they would start waving and smiling. Some would yell Dotty, and a few yelled Mom. Dotty’s list of direct dementia friends had grown to more than ten. They were waiting for her.”
I don’t know if Dad would even like having friends. I know he used to like it. Here’s a poem I wrote probably fifteen years ago. It came back to me as I was thinking about this. Despite the ending, it is not really about death, but about life.
Question For My Father, Who Lives Alone
What if you and I were walking one day
and you said,
“Can you smell the sap?”
And I did?
What if you said,
“The wind is brisk. It has a bite.”
And I said,
“Let’s go inside?”
What if you said,
“Sit at this table.
Here are my friends,
Here and here and here.”
And I touched each hand?
What if you said,
“I will die now.”
And I said,
“Yes.”
And you closed your eyes?
–from Considering Flight (2006, Brassweight Press)